Such A Dude

i have male tendencies. straight up. like relationship wise, i can be like a straight dude.

i was running some errands earlier & i saw some dudes just kicking it & all of em were fine. im talking F.I.N.E. you know when you see somebody & they just look so good you dont know what to say?? lol. that was my situation. there were like 4 or 5 of em mugs & each and every one of em got finer than the last....i was like "damn son. i have half a mind to do a u-turn & holla at em------------then i rememberd i was a girl & thats not a good look..lol

but that got me thinking like "damn..im such a man!". i've gotten to the point where i dont really sweat a dude. like i'll be texting a dude & just forget about his ass. i'll know he replied to me but i wont really read it till like 30 mins later or till i get annoyed at the lil message icon on my phone. or some dude'll be like "i miss you" & i'll be like "thats cool". its crazy but kinda funny..& sad at the same time.

crazy cuz i used to be the girl that was so affectionate & so caring & all that----& i still am..its just a dude has gotta show me that he's worth me caring about him like that now cuz when i care, im all in...im no longer straight sweetness from the top

funny cuz i'll find myself thinking like a dude & saying some off the wall type stuff only a real asshole of a dude would say & meaning it (ex: you down for some dome?....ona, giving not recieving)

sad cuz i think its a defense mechanism that just happend. i figure if you go into something with no expectations & you remain unnatached you wont get hurt as much & considering my past, thats a pretty damn good idea.

idk..maybe theres a dude out there who can get me back to sweet lil old me more often. (is it you??) in the meantime---->ima stick to my dude tendencies. yessir.

&& to the dudes who i've talked to/talk to/will talk to..dont take it personal cuz its not you---its me. i told yall. this girls got baggage

decisions, decisions

.sigh.
im madd torn. i want another tattoo sooo bad---im feinding for it. shits crazy. Usually when i want something, i skip the talk & go handle that but this is different. My dad HATES tattoos & moms is kinda iffy about it---im working on persuading her to have my back when i approach dad about it tho-----My lil sis put on a fake one the other day & dude flipped...it was ridiculous. Shit got me thinking like damn.

nobody in the fam knows about my tat except lil sis (i think..). & i hate having to worry about covering it up when in their presence but its a must right now & its becoming a problem cuz its stopping me from getting my next one.

tattoos are a form of self-expression. a creative art form. sometimes beautiful, sometimes inspirational. always telling a story. thats what i love about them. plus they add a lil more character to a person.

i already have my next two planned & its just a matter of making em happen. thats where me being torn comes in.

im 18 so im basically able to do just about anything minus drinking so i think its stupid that i want something thats fully legal & thats not gonna hurt anyone, yet i cant do it. im type rebellious so part of me is like "its my body, my image & its what i want so fuck what anybody has to say on the subject"---------------------------------------but on the other hand i dont wanna keep getting tatted behind my parents backs & having to hide my ish & having em feel like they cant trust me when they find out.

UGHHHHHH.

im gonna focus on persuading moms to have my back & then hopefully once i explain why i want em, dad'll switch up & let me indulge. if not, im gonna have to make an executive decision & put my foot down & handle mine.

..sigh. x2
lets gear up for WWIII

SMDH

(clearing my throat)
HERE YE' HERE YE'. Special Anouncement:

so i read some shit today that just pissed me off. somebody posted a pic of chris brown & his semi hard dick & all the girls who commented that shit were talking about how they now understood why Rihanna stayed with dude even though he was abusive.

let me just say. i dont give a flying fuck about that whole situation. i dont know those two & the situation doesnt really affect me like that on a personal level so that didnt bother me. what did bother me, however, was the comments that the girls were making. its like dude..do you realize how ignorant you're making yourself sound?
like fareal..& i found that shit insulting cuz i've been in an abusive relationship & it wasnt a joke. so to see them laughing at it & treating it like no big deal kinda struck a nerve. my situation wasnt like Rihannas cuz i didnt get hurt physically by dude but buddy did much damage to me emotionally & mentally.

i know somebodys gonna read this & think im overreacting & if you do thats your opinion & it doesnt change mine. plus id like to add im pretty sure outta the say 20 girls that left comments, at least 5% of em were being serious. after i read those comments tho it just had me feeling like it was females like them that contributed to some dudes treating us in a negative manner. if a dude reads that shit he'll probably end up thinking "as long as i provide something she cant get on her own & make it good, i can do whatever i please" & i for one am not having that. been there, done that. not again.

so basically to the ladies. tighten that shit up. stop allowing dudes to think its cool for them to do & say certain things. if you dont set standards for yourself, you're gonna end up with a basic bullshit nigga wondering how the fuck you got to there.

Call Me

i sooooo forgot to tell yall..i got my new telefono a couple days ago & i love it. its my official baby! i went through hell & freaking back to get that phone but shit, i did it! i went to the main store with my old one & kindly explained the situation to the folks, then told them i would like my money back. you think they gave it to me?? HELL NO! those mugs were talking about some i've had over an hour of talk time on the phone & its been over 30 days...blah blah blah. i was like so what the hell you want me to do?? like, these niggas make bullshit phones & then dont wanna honor their money back promise...where they do that at??

so i went home madd heated cuz i burned madd gas to get over there & left with my problem still unsolved. needless to say i was on a mission----i didnt know how or when but somebody was gonna buy that phone from me. i ended up going to a couple pawn shops---thanks to the bestie for that idea---&& selling it. then i began my affair with t-mobile---so far its looking like we're gonna go far kidd! =)

so im rocking with the t-mobile memoir & shits type dope..i love love love it. **sidebar---dude who sold me the phone was on some hella sexy shit & funny. had me rolling the whole time so shouts to buddy**

My phone is dope tho..still getting used to it but my babys coolies. I must say that Im madd proud of the way i handle bussiness tho. Word to me. I dont talk about it---i make shit happen! If yall know/learn nothing else about me, know that.


....you didnt really think i was gonna post my numerals (phone number) did u?? .wink.

o em gee..

..im so freaking bored! Im phoneless & bookless. I began doin my toes earlier but i didnt like how any of the colors looked. & im out of bright pink =(----i should go cop some..(thinking). && i was gonna go to the park with moms & em but it began raining.

Im excited tho. & nervous. Im gonna go back to the phone store & try to get my moola refunded cuz i didnt pay $365 for a phone that doesnt work. & im not gonna buy another battery to have it do the same shit. Sooooooo the plan is to get my money back & go fuck with T-Mobile. Im thinking of getting the Samsung Memoir. That shit looks fresh plus the cameras on point---that might help me some in photography next month.

Knowing those folks tho they're gonna probably try to give me the run-around & dissuade me from wanting a refund so im probably gonna have to be really mean & straight to the point or else i might give in. (im a softie at heart..lol)

I have to work tomorrow so im really counting on getting the new phone to brighten up my day or else somebodys gonna be super duper cranky. Lets face it, who's happy when they dont get their way?

So i just went to CVS quick fast & got my fave nail polish!---yess, i just stopped blogging, hopped in the car, & bought me some nail polish..lol---Gonna go do my toes & nails (the pink inspires me..plus i also bought this glittery looking one that i wanna try).

I know this was kind of a pointless entry but shit, sms (shrugging my shoulders). I am a random person.

The Product of Past Situations

I have a lotta baggage. Point.Blank.Period. & its really difficult for people to understand me---even folks who've known me since i was madd young. I've been thinking about it and i can understand why im so misunderstood. I've experienced certain things that impacted me in a major way & i deal with things differently than most people i know. Certain things that some consider minor, i consider total disrespect.

Im not the type to use my past as a crutch---even though sometimes it would make shit a ton easier..i know its not right. I admit i do have my moments when i ask myself why people fuck with me cuz i can be a bitch. There are times when i step out of certain situations & analyze em & i realize i wouldnt even fuck with myself if i wasnt me.

Yes i do take certain things the wrong way but its only because i've been there before so the way i take shit is usually the default mode. For instance, if my last boyfriend said he'd call & didnt because he was doing something he wasnt supposed to, when the new dude does the same thing im gonna automatically assume its the same situation.**sidebar**thats just an example..im fucked up when it comes to more than dudes**I know thats fucked up & not the right way to do shit but its a reflex.

At the end of the day, im one prideful motherfucker & id rather apologize for being wrong than crying cuz i got hurt anytime. Shits complicated. Idk. One things for sure tho..

Im pretty messed up.

My black is better than your black..

Im getting so frustrated cuz folks have this whole "my black is better than your black" attitude. A lotta folks feel that being dark skinned is better than being light skinned. && a lot more consider being light skinned way better than being dark skinned. Like, wtf?? Im not knocking anybodys preference----If you'd rather date a light skinned person or a dark skinned person, more power to you. To each their own & all that but once you start putting others down, its a problem.

The color of your skin doesnt define how beautiful you are. If someone attempts to belittle you because of your skin tone FUCK EM. Straight up. Cuz they're just tryna make themselves feel better about their insecurities. If they werent, they would know that the amount of melanin that makes up ones skin tone is only that---no more, no less.

I've seen plenty of fine light skinned dudes in my 18 years of life.
& i've also seen enough sexy dark skinned dudes to balance that out.

Being beautiful or, as much as i dont like that statement, "better" than someone else, takes so much more than a persons skin tone. So for all yall who look in the mirror & hate what you see staring back-----find some confidence. Stop looking at your flaws & peep what you got going for you.

&& for all yall putting others down cuz you're not feeling their skin tone, whether they're white, light skinned, dark skinned, brown skinned, olive complected, etc---------FUCK YOU. Its people like yall that make so many folks hate themselves & question their self-worth.

Beauty comes in many different shapes, sizes, skin tones, etc
EMBRACE YOURS