i feel obligated to explain why im not posting as much as i have in the past.
its still coming to me so bear with me as i attempt to explain
ps---the upcoming story is o so very relevant.
ive been subconsciously keeping to myself & im pretty certain that i know why.
i was in this relationship towards the end of last year [technically] & things didnt work out
i opened up to this person and began being who i was before i knew what heartbreak felt like.
i was being me---no inhibitions---no restrictions---no fear.
& aphrodite played with my emotions yet again.
ever since then ive been slowly but surely crawling back inside my shell.
i guess i feel like i shared so much of myself with someone & once again wounded up hurt so i subconsciously decided im simply not gonna share anymore.
i know yall probably looking like "oooook. what you want? pity?"
or
"...i dont see how this relates to me and my life..."
& to those [as well as comments/thoughts like them] i say,
yall dashboards is where my posts come up & yall followed me for a reason.
when a store runs out of a product they usually carry, they owe their customers an explanation & a guarantee that it'll be available at advertised price when its back on the shelves.
so here you are, my valued blogheads, my explanation & a raincheck.
check back when sharing is in stock.
Showing posts with label about me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label about me. Show all posts
12.2.10
4.1.10
.she still believes..
if i knew how to paint, i would paint a picture of a land called "'love"'.
it would be filled w. broken hearts, tears, & hearts w. knives stuck through dripping blood.
the skies would be gray-ish blue hinting that it could rain at any given second.
there would be mountains the resembled mt. rushmore but instead of having the faces of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, & Lincoln, they would contain the faces of my past lovers.
there would be mini-explosions everywhere
but if you looked hard enough---past all the torn hearts & all the tears & explosions & darkness, you would see a little figure.
a girl in her f21 leggings & boots & off the shoulder sweater. she'll have her camera in tow.
there would be years of lessons learned in her eyes but a half smile on her face because even though everything looks so cut & dry & hopeless------she still believes.
it would be filled w. broken hearts, tears, & hearts w. knives stuck through dripping blood.
the skies would be gray-ish blue hinting that it could rain at any given second.
there would be mountains the resembled mt. rushmore but instead of having the faces of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, & Lincoln, they would contain the faces of my past lovers.
there would be mini-explosions everywhere
but if you looked hard enough---past all the torn hearts & all the tears & explosions & darkness, you would see a little figure.
a girl in her f21 leggings & boots & off the shoulder sweater. she'll have her camera in tow.
there would be years of lessons learned in her eyes but a half smile on her face because even though everything looks so cut & dry & hopeless------she still believes.
23.12.09
viva las nappy heads.
i've been going back & forth about what to do with my hair for the longest time.
part of me wants to just cut it a la Agnyess Deyn & the rest of me wants to just grow it out.
its so confusing.
i know some of yall are not gonna understand why its such a complicated deal to me but its a huge deal. i've noticed that my confidence level often times is dictated by how my hair is that day. if im having a good hair day then my confidence is way up there. its at its peak. the second i feel as if my hair isint up to par, i get self conscious & more reserved & fade into the background.
i think its a mixture of a situation i experienced coming up as well as the way the media portrays it.
when i was younger, like in kindergarten, this lil white girl made it a point to make it clear to me that she & i couldnt be friends because my hair was not like hers. her hair was down to her back, long & silky straight while mine was barely touching my shoulders & coarse. that was what really began my hair issues.
it made me feel as if i would be judged & excluded from certain things if my hair didnt look like it was "supposed" to.
i think it was a subconscious thing because i never really understood why i had issues w. my hair & why is mattered so much to me, until recently.
now the media.
oh the media. lol.
they arent much help.
i feel like they dont put enough emphasis on the women w. my hair texture or hair thats even around the same length as mine, as far as black women go. i cant name one black woman thats in the media who's natural hair resembles my own. we're made to think that "beautiful hair" is long & sleek & sexy & soft. i think there needs to be more women with kinky ass hair being portrayed/labeled as beautiful.
& we need to be taught how to work w. the hair we have.
most magazines limit their hair ideas & treatment options, ect etc to the folks w. naturally soft shiny hair.
i cant relate to that.
when my hair is au natural & the relaxer begins wearing out idk wth to do w. it.
now its too late for me. im already in that place where unless my hair looks/feels freshly relaxed & is manageable, im uncomfortable.
but maybe if some things changed the next generation wont get stuck in the same mindset i am as far as hair is concerned.
i wanna be able to feel comfortable w. my hair & im working on it.
& yea i know its not all on the media & that lil white girl. it has just as much to do w. me as it does them.
i gotta allow myself space to get to the point where im able to overlook what the public has to say, what that lil girl thought, as well as what i was taught was acceptable. working on it soooo. we'll see.
part of me wants to just cut it a la Agnyess Deyn & the rest of me wants to just grow it out.
its so confusing.
i know some of yall are not gonna understand why its such a complicated deal to me but its a huge deal. i've noticed that my confidence level often times is dictated by how my hair is that day. if im having a good hair day then my confidence is way up there. its at its peak. the second i feel as if my hair isint up to par, i get self conscious & more reserved & fade into the background.
i think its a mixture of a situation i experienced coming up as well as the way the media portrays it.
when i was younger, like in kindergarten, this lil white girl made it a point to make it clear to me that she & i couldnt be friends because my hair was not like hers. her hair was down to her back, long & silky straight while mine was barely touching my shoulders & coarse. that was what really began my hair issues.
it made me feel as if i would be judged & excluded from certain things if my hair didnt look like it was "supposed" to.
i think it was a subconscious thing because i never really understood why i had issues w. my hair & why is mattered so much to me, until recently.
now the media.
oh the media. lol.
they arent much help.
i feel like they dont put enough emphasis on the women w. my hair texture or hair thats even around the same length as mine, as far as black women go. i cant name one black woman thats in the media who's natural hair resembles my own. we're made to think that "beautiful hair" is long & sleek & sexy & soft. i think there needs to be more women with kinky ass hair being portrayed/labeled as beautiful.
& we need to be taught how to work w. the hair we have.
most magazines limit their hair ideas & treatment options, ect etc to the folks w. naturally soft shiny hair.
i cant relate to that.
when my hair is au natural & the relaxer begins wearing out idk wth to do w. it.
now its too late for me. im already in that place where unless my hair looks/feels freshly relaxed & is manageable, im uncomfortable.
but maybe if some things changed the next generation wont get stuck in the same mindset i am as far as hair is concerned.
i wanna be able to feel comfortable w. my hair & im working on it.
& yea i know its not all on the media & that lil white girl. it has just as much to do w. me as it does them.
i gotta allow myself space to get to the point where im able to overlook what the public has to say, what that lil girl thought, as well as what i was taught was acceptable. working on it soooo. we'll see.
11.12.09
flight school.
baggage like im tripping...
i am so emotionally imbalanced.
i should come w. a fucking caution sign or something.
7.11.09
& this is how my speech goes..HonestScrap
Aliyah nominated me for the "Honest Scrap" award. **does victory dance** Thanks mama. Now lets get into it
2. Tell those seven people that you have given them the Honest Scrap Award.
3. Share ten honest things about yourself.
im gonna nominate:
Trey
Landre
Sergio Wonder & Co.
Christian
Chantale
&
Ashley
**shit. i only have 6 i can really give that to**
Now, ten honest things about me:
1. i always got picked on and was usually the underdog growing up. i remember back in kindergarten this 1 girl said she didnt wanna be my friend anymore cuz my hair wasnt long like hers. & i was always making the honor roll and this 1 time after a lil ceremony i got jumped while walking home & these boys broke my little trophy.
2. i dont like three out of my seven brothers & sisters just because i feel they're fake to the highest level. i purposely dont give them the time of day when they try to come in my life cuz i know its not sincere & im fine w/o em. i know thats bad cuz fam is fam but i dont even see em like they're my family. they havent been in my life since forever & a day so im good.
3. sometimes i blatantly lie to my parents about what im gonna be doing & with who. i know its wrong but fact of the matter is they make the biggest deals about the smallest shit. if it were up to them id probably be living in a bubble. life is too short for me to be worrying about all the negative things that can potentially occur when i walk out of the house. if its my time to go, its my time. whether im in the house or not. feel me? so i try & live like every day is my last cuz for all i know, it is.
4. my biggest fears include never finding that "one". i guess my "soul mate" or whatever. being abandoned. dying before i accomplish all that i want to accomplish & being forgotten when i die. im petrified of that cuz if once i die im forgotten, its as if i was never here to begin with. i wanna leave behind a legacy so i'll never really be gone.
5. im just now beginning to be comfortable being with a black man as far as a relationship or anything sexual goes. im not prejudice against em or anything but growing up they caused me the most grief and belittled me the most so in the past i was always hesitant to be with them for fear of experiencing all those feelings again & feeling like they'll never accept me.
6. i cant stand when a dude wants head but wont return the favor. nigga this is not a one way street. & i hate when girls act like sucking dick is the most disgusting thing in the world, then they go home & get on their knees, or however they choose the handle it. dont be a hypocrite. cant respect that.
7. i love reading but i never have time for it anymore. i used to carry a book everywhere. the bathroom, dinner table, bed. i always had my head in one. i remember when there was nothing better than cuddling up with a good book & getting lost in the words. i miss that.
8. you can usually find me with a pair of headphones in my ears. i listen to everything from Lupe to Sugarland to Beethoven to Cyndi Lauper. music is essential
9. im a walking contradiction. im seriously silly & speak with honest sarcasm
10. im doing big things & have even bigger ambitions. & i honestly feel like if i dont reach self-actualization i will have failed life. period. i think thats one of the reasons why i hustle so hard now. failure is not an option of mine.
The Honest Scrap Award Rules
1. Present the award to seven bloggers whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design or who have encouraged you.2. Tell those seven people that you have given them the Honest Scrap Award.
3. Share ten honest things about yourself.
im gonna nominate:
Trey
Landre
Sergio Wonder & Co.
Christian
Chantale
&
Ashley
**shit. i only have 6 i can really give that to**
Now, ten honest things about me:
1. i always got picked on and was usually the underdog growing up. i remember back in kindergarten this 1 girl said she didnt wanna be my friend anymore cuz my hair wasnt long like hers. & i was always making the honor roll and this 1 time after a lil ceremony i got jumped while walking home & these boys broke my little trophy.
2. i dont like three out of my seven brothers & sisters just because i feel they're fake to the highest level. i purposely dont give them the time of day when they try to come in my life cuz i know its not sincere & im fine w/o em. i know thats bad cuz fam is fam but i dont even see em like they're my family. they havent been in my life since forever & a day so im good.
3. sometimes i blatantly lie to my parents about what im gonna be doing & with who. i know its wrong but fact of the matter is they make the biggest deals about the smallest shit. if it were up to them id probably be living in a bubble. life is too short for me to be worrying about all the negative things that can potentially occur when i walk out of the house. if its my time to go, its my time. whether im in the house or not. feel me? so i try & live like every day is my last cuz for all i know, it is.
4. my biggest fears include never finding that "one". i guess my "soul mate" or whatever. being abandoned. dying before i accomplish all that i want to accomplish & being forgotten when i die. im petrified of that cuz if once i die im forgotten, its as if i was never here to begin with. i wanna leave behind a legacy so i'll never really be gone.
5. im just now beginning to be comfortable being with a black man as far as a relationship or anything sexual goes. im not prejudice against em or anything but growing up they caused me the most grief and belittled me the most so in the past i was always hesitant to be with them for fear of experiencing all those feelings again & feeling like they'll never accept me.
6. i cant stand when a dude wants head but wont return the favor. nigga this is not a one way street. & i hate when girls act like sucking dick is the most disgusting thing in the world, then they go home & get on their knees, or however they choose the handle it. dont be a hypocrite. cant respect that.
7. i love reading but i never have time for it anymore. i used to carry a book everywhere. the bathroom, dinner table, bed. i always had my head in one. i remember when there was nothing better than cuddling up with a good book & getting lost in the words. i miss that.
8. you can usually find me with a pair of headphones in my ears. i listen to everything from Lupe to Sugarland to Beethoven to Cyndi Lauper. music is essential
9. im a walking contradiction. im seriously silly & speak with honest sarcasm
10. im doing big things & have even bigger ambitions. & i honestly feel like if i dont reach self-actualization i will have failed life. period. i think thats one of the reasons why i hustle so hard now. failure is not an option of mine.
11.10.09
.sucker.
im a sucker for life.
at times i complain about how i could do w/o all the craziness & pain & stupid shit that it comes with but i love it all.
i've been analyzing this life im living for a while now & i must say im proud of where i am at the moment.
i do, however, feel that this is just a stepping stone for the future. everything that i have/im doing will teach me to do better in the future.
i have colossal goals. i know exactly where i wanna be & exactly what i want to be doing & i pray to God that all my dreams are fulfilled.
life throws its curve balls so perhaps i wont achieve everything i have my heart set on doing...but then again, perhaps i will. one things for sure though: not trying is a sure method of failing.
planning for success. can you say the same?
at times i complain about how i could do w/o all the craziness & pain & stupid shit that it comes with but i love it all.
i've been analyzing this life im living for a while now & i must say im proud of where i am at the moment.
i do, however, feel that this is just a stepping stone for the future. everything that i have/im doing will teach me to do better in the future.
i have colossal goals. i know exactly where i wanna be & exactly what i want to be doing & i pray to God that all my dreams are fulfilled.
life throws its curve balls so perhaps i wont achieve everything i have my heart set on doing...but then again, perhaps i will. one things for sure though: not trying is a sure method of failing.
planning for success. can you say the same?
9.10.09
..talking bout facts
My name is Marie and I am "more than what you bargained for". I like to talk to myself and I also HATE when people cut me off. I have two older brothers and five crazy ass sisters. I wish i didnt have to be so guarded sometimes and that i lived by myself in a loft in the art district on south beach. In order for me to survive I need good music, sex, sex, more sex, even more sex, mango flavored fuze, smartwater, porn, the re-occurring daydream that Cudi or Logan-Marshall Green & i will get married someday, a purple or pink ipod touch & headphones. I hate dishonest people, fake bitches and ungrateful motherfuckers. I have no “patience & I hate waiting”. People most likely think im super duper confident but i can be insecure. I need to continue to believe everyday. I know how to provoke thoughts. I need to get a MAN in my life who is on my level or above, i could use some mental elevation. I don't like it when people are quick to judge or cant take a joke. I have an abundance of thoughts to share. When I am bored I like to picture my life years from now the way i want it to be. By the end of the day all I want is to know that im that much closer to my dreams, cuddle up with my significant other & watch a movie, make good love & fall asleep with him still inside of me. In 10 years I want to have my own PR firm, a loft in the art district, a range rover sport with all black everything, & the knowledge that my parents & family are proud of me & the choices I have made. I guess you can say I cant wait for the things life has in store for me!
That is all.
8.10.09
no bueno.
im so pissed off right now. like dead ass.
this twigga & i are tweeting & we're joking around & whatever. a while later i tweet that im tired. dudes like "if you're tired then be quiet & go to sleep hoe".
like what the fuck? who the fuck are you to speak to me like that?
the tweet wasnt even much directed towards his ass mind you.
like i know we're cool but im not cool enough with anybody to have em calling me names & shit. thats a no go.
part of me feels like maybe he was joking (even if he was, i dont like that..) but the other half of me wants to go in his shit & let him know a thing or two.
for those of yall who think im over-reacting: no celibacy (that means fuck you). **sidenote: yes. i coined "no celibacy".**
for those who arent with the program, allow me to remind you that i've been verbally & emotionally abused. i've been called just about every single derogatory name in the book & treated like the dirt on the bottom of your shoes so when folks call me out of my name, especially males, i take it really personal & thats just not cool to me.
i dont give a fuck what anybody says. shit just doesnt fly.
this twigga & i are tweeting & we're joking around & whatever. a while later i tweet that im tired. dudes like "if you're tired then be quiet & go to sleep hoe".
like what the fuck? who the fuck are you to speak to me like that?
the tweet wasnt even much directed towards his ass mind you.
like i know we're cool but im not cool enough with anybody to have em calling me names & shit. thats a no go.
part of me feels like maybe he was joking (even if he was, i dont like that..) but the other half of me wants to go in his shit & let him know a thing or two.
for those of yall who think im over-reacting: no celibacy (that means fuck you). **sidenote: yes. i coined "no celibacy".**
for those who arent with the program, allow me to remind you that i've been verbally & emotionally abused. i've been called just about every single derogatory name in the book & treated like the dirt on the bottom of your shoes so when folks call me out of my name, especially males, i take it really personal & thats just not cool to me.
i dont give a fuck what anybody says. shit just doesnt fly.
27.9.09
.random 18
everyone is always doing the random (insert number here) facts about themselves.
i've delayed doing one because everyones been doing em & i like to stand out from the pack. it seems that i'll be waiting forever though so im gonna do 18 randoms instead of however many thats supposed to be done
ready??
i've delayed doing one because everyones been doing em & i like to stand out from the pack. it seems that i'll be waiting forever though so im gonna do 18 randoms instead of however many thats supposed to be done
ready??
1. i can be a bitch. like straight up rude at times but im a real sweetheart
2. i speak creole & english fluently & can understand/somewhat speak french & spanish
3. im not always as confident as i appear to be
4. i tend to see things differently than everyone else
5. im a passionate person but im not big on showing some folks affection
6. i love everything artistic: dance, fashion, music, tattoos, art...blah blah blah
7. im a big procrastinator
8. i love sex. a lot. im borderline addicted (borderline because im not dependent on it for anything but if i could fuck every day---i would)
9. im a walking contradiction. for example: when im mean, im the meanest but every other time i am the sweetest person ever)
10. i have been emotionally & mentally abused but i dont label myself a victim
11. i'll try just about anything once
12. im an optimistic realest
13. i can be really ditzy
14. i dislike authority.
15. i wish i was born in the 80's
16. i take pride in being able to pretty much provide for myself
17. i trust no one past a certain level
18. when i want something i go get it. it could take hours, days, months, years. but i WILL get it
2. i speak creole & english fluently & can understand/somewhat speak french & spanish
3. im not always as confident as i appear to be
4. i tend to see things differently than everyone else
5. im a passionate person but im not big on showing some folks affection
6. i love everything artistic: dance, fashion, music, tattoos, art...blah blah blah
7. im a big procrastinator
8. i love sex. a lot. im borderline addicted (borderline because im not dependent on it for anything but if i could fuck every day---i would)
9. im a walking contradiction. for example: when im mean, im the meanest but every other time i am the sweetest person ever)
10. i have been emotionally & mentally abused but i dont label myself a victim
11. i'll try just about anything once
12. im an optimistic realest
13. i can be really ditzy
14. i dislike authority.
15. i wish i was born in the 80's
16. i take pride in being able to pretty much provide for myself
17. i trust no one past a certain level
18. when i want something i go get it. it could take hours, days, months, years. but i WILL get it
6.8.09
me.me..all about me
i was reading Paris' blog (parislovesparis.blogspot.com) & i saw this post. so as i sit waiting for the re-run of tonights Burn Notice to air, i decided...why not do it??
Proust Questionaire.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?.realizing all my dreams. making my family proud & being a positive role model for my younger sisters & nephew. being at a point in my life where i dont need my guard up. making the big bucks on my own & breaking barriers. living MY american dream.----"i just wanna be successful"
What is your greatest fear?
.not realizing all my dreams..never experiencing love in its truest form...dying without leaving behind something positive that'll impact this world forvever
On what occasion do you lie?
.as much as i dont like it, i lie to my parents about certain things when i feel that my happiness is being compromised. im all "live for today cuz tomorrow isint promised" & sometimes my parents rules intefere with that. im not proud of it but at the end of the day i gotta live for me.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
.i lack patience
What trait do you most deplore in others?
.no loyalty..saying something & doing the opposite. being fake
What living person do you most admire?
.Barack Obama. he broke every barrier that had been previously thought of as unbreakable
What is your greatest extravagance?
.cuddled up on a rainy night watching movies on the sofa..just hanging out with my dude (whoever the hell that happens to be) cuz when im with someone, usually being in their presence makes me happy
What is your current state of mind?
.thoughtful
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
.i have oily skin...blech. its controlable but i hate it
Which living person do you most despise?
.sadists. live & let live you know. dont hate on someone elses happiness
What is the quality you most like in a man?
.loyalty
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
.strength
Which word or phrase do you most overuse?
.shit. fuck. nigga.-----i have a dirty mouth
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
.the number one man in my life. my nephew Seth. my love for him potentially rivals my love for myself
When and where were you happiest?
.when im surrounded with people who love & understand/accept me & when im alone---it can be wherever under the previously stated conditions
Which talent would you most like to have?
.i wanna learn to play the violin so bad.
Where would you most like to live?
.South Beach Miami, NY, LA
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
.sometimes i wish i was more obedient for my dads sake..i think living my life how i think is right doesnt make him too happy. & i dont care what folks think but my parents are different. they sacrificed a lot for us so sometimes that saddens me that the things i want for myself differ so much from the ones he wants for me
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
.i havent yet attained that
What is your most treasured possession?
.everything that i've gotten myself.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
.having no one to go to & unable to be yourself. constantly having to watch your back & being afraid to put it all out there
What is your favorite occupation?
.living life & learning its lessons i guess
What do you value most in your friends?
.loyalty & dedication
What is your most marked characteristic?
.my walk
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
.i honestly dont know
Who are your favorite writers?
.i like zane, sister souljah & stephenie meyer
Who is your hero of fiction?
.xena
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
.Joan of Arc
What are your favorite names?
.San'ai-Elise & Tristan
What do you most dislike?
.being judged or labled & disrespected. being unappreciated
What is your greatest regret?
.um. no regrets really. i've just learned to make things happen. stop being afraid of rejection & go for it
How would you like to die?
."After having spent my day with someone whom I am in love with, making love, eating, and spending it as well with my family and then in my sleep peacefully."-----Paris (i concur. thats how id like to go)
What is your motto?
."Dont die wondering"--------"Just do it"---------"Live Love Learn"
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