viva las nappy heads.

i've been going back & forth about what to do with my hair for the longest time.
part of me wants to just cut it a la Agnyess Deyn & the rest of me wants to just grow it out.
its so confusing.


i know some of yall are not gonna understand why its such a complicated deal to me but its a huge deal. i've noticed that my confidence level often times is dictated by how my hair is that day. if im having a good hair day then my confidence is way up there. its at its peak. the second i feel as if my hair isint up to par, i get self conscious & more reserved & fade into the background.

i think its a mixture of a situation i experienced coming up as well as the way the media portrays it.
when i was younger, like in kindergarten, this lil white girl made it a point to make it clear to me that she & i couldnt be friends because my hair was not like hers. her hair was down to her back, long & silky straight while mine was barely touching my shoulders & coarse. that was what really began my hair issues.
it made me feel as if i would be judged & excluded from certain things if my hair didnt look like it was "supposed" to.
i think it was a subconscious thing because i never really understood why i had issues w. my hair & why is mattered so much to me, until recently.

now the media.
oh the media. lol.
they arent much help.
i feel like they dont put enough emphasis on the women w. my hair texture or hair thats even around the same length as mine, as far as black women go. i cant name one black woman thats in the media who's natural hair resembles my own. we're made to think that "beautiful hair" is long & sleek & sexy & soft. i think there needs to be more women with kinky ass hair being portrayed/labeled as beautiful.
& we need to be taught how to work w. the hair we have.
most magazines limit their hair ideas & treatment options, ect etc to the folks w. naturally soft shiny hair.
i cant relate to that.
when my hair is au natural & the relaxer begins wearing out idk wth to do w. it.

now its too late for me. im already in that place where unless my hair looks/feels freshly relaxed & is manageable, im uncomfortable.
but maybe if some things changed the next generation wont get stuck in the same mindset i am as far as hair is concerned.
i wanna be able to feel comfortable w. my hair & im working on it.
& yea i know its not all on the media & that lil white girl. it has just as much to do w. me as it does them.
i gotta allow myself space to get to the point where im able to overlook what the public has to say, what that lil girl thought, as well as what i was taught was acceptable. working on it soooo. we'll see.