this year was a sucky one for me. i believe it was my worst year yet, but i appreciate it. going through all the shit i have been through this year alone, has taught me countless things & put me on to many more. im grateful for those experiences. each & every last one.
as the new year approaches, im striving to get past the negative mindsets these past situations have confined me w.in & to just grow. i wanna continue to learn the difference between being cautious & closing myself off. between giving chances & being naive. between being patient & wasting time. i wanna straddle those thin in between lines.
im not gonna make any resolutions & what not. my plan for '10 is to live.love&learn as well as to continue chasing my reality. [i no longer dream. i believe what most consider to be "dreams" are in actuality nothing less than their reality. it simply needs to be acknowledged as such-----"think it. do it."]
the best is yet to come.
im ready.
ps: i hope yall all have a safe & memorable new year. enjoy!
31.12.09
30.12.09
'09 memories
Got this from the girly Aliyah at -----------> heavenonethernet.blogspot.com.
1]My favorite album was?
- J. Cole's "The Warm-Up" [yea it was a mixtape but shit was dopeness]
2]Most prized posession?
- ummers. my college education. [feel like im losing limbs every time tuitions due]
3]Shit I gave up on...
- having sex. refraining from having sex. m.dot. & buying everything i eat at school. [ima brown bag again. bet.]
4] Something I fell in love with...
- reading! [i hadnt read for leisure since i finished the Twilight saga]
5] A goal I accomplished was..
-getting above a 3.0 gpa. [now comes the hard part..i gotta maintain that sucka]
6] Something I changed about myself...
-teaching myself the difference b/w giving the benefit of the doubt & being naive.
7] Favorite Movie-
-NEW MOON.
8] I've been wanting it all year...
-A puppy. [Aliyah said it but i concur. i want a shiz tsu soooo bad =( ]
9] Historic event-
-I graduated high school & went to college [three cheers pour moi!]
10] BEST 2009 memory..
-the night the bestie dragged me to the club for Dre & Alex's birthdays. [can you say mem-or-a-ble???]
1]My favorite album was?
- J. Cole's "The Warm-Up" [yea it was a mixtape but shit was dopeness]
2]Most prized posession?
- ummers. my college education. [feel like im losing limbs every time tuitions due]
3]Shit I gave up on...
- having sex. refraining from having sex. m.dot. & buying everything i eat at school. [ima brown bag again. bet.]
4] Something I fell in love with...
- reading! [i hadnt read for leisure since i finished the Twilight saga]
5] A goal I accomplished was..
-getting above a 3.0 gpa. [now comes the hard part..i gotta maintain that sucka]
6] Something I changed about myself...
-teaching myself the difference b/w giving the benefit of the doubt & being naive.
7] Favorite Movie-
-NEW MOON.
8] I've been wanting it all year...
-A puppy. [Aliyah said it but i concur. i want a shiz tsu soooo bad =( ]
9] Historic event-
-I graduated high school & went to college [three cheers pour moi!]
10] BEST 2009 memory..
-the night the bestie dragged me to the club for Dre & Alex's birthdays. [can you say mem-or-a-ble???]
25.12.09
23.12.09
viva las nappy heads.
i've been going back & forth about what to do with my hair for the longest time.
part of me wants to just cut it a la Agnyess Deyn & the rest of me wants to just grow it out.
its so confusing.
i know some of yall are not gonna understand why its such a complicated deal to me but its a huge deal. i've noticed that my confidence level often times is dictated by how my hair is that day. if im having a good hair day then my confidence is way up there. its at its peak. the second i feel as if my hair isint up to par, i get self conscious & more reserved & fade into the background.
i think its a mixture of a situation i experienced coming up as well as the way the media portrays it.
when i was younger, like in kindergarten, this lil white girl made it a point to make it clear to me that she & i couldnt be friends because my hair was not like hers. her hair was down to her back, long & silky straight while mine was barely touching my shoulders & coarse. that was what really began my hair issues.
it made me feel as if i would be judged & excluded from certain things if my hair didnt look like it was "supposed" to.
i think it was a subconscious thing because i never really understood why i had issues w. my hair & why is mattered so much to me, until recently.
now the media.
oh the media. lol.
they arent much help.
i feel like they dont put enough emphasis on the women w. my hair texture or hair thats even around the same length as mine, as far as black women go. i cant name one black woman thats in the media who's natural hair resembles my own. we're made to think that "beautiful hair" is long & sleek & sexy & soft. i think there needs to be more women with kinky ass hair being portrayed/labeled as beautiful.
& we need to be taught how to work w. the hair we have.
most magazines limit their hair ideas & treatment options, ect etc to the folks w. naturally soft shiny hair.
i cant relate to that.
when my hair is au natural & the relaxer begins wearing out idk wth to do w. it.
now its too late for me. im already in that place where unless my hair looks/feels freshly relaxed & is manageable, im uncomfortable.
but maybe if some things changed the next generation wont get stuck in the same mindset i am as far as hair is concerned.
i wanna be able to feel comfortable w. my hair & im working on it.
& yea i know its not all on the media & that lil white girl. it has just as much to do w. me as it does them.
i gotta allow myself space to get to the point where im able to overlook what the public has to say, what that lil girl thought, as well as what i was taught was acceptable. working on it soooo. we'll see.
part of me wants to just cut it a la Agnyess Deyn & the rest of me wants to just grow it out.
its so confusing.
i know some of yall are not gonna understand why its such a complicated deal to me but its a huge deal. i've noticed that my confidence level often times is dictated by how my hair is that day. if im having a good hair day then my confidence is way up there. its at its peak. the second i feel as if my hair isint up to par, i get self conscious & more reserved & fade into the background.
i think its a mixture of a situation i experienced coming up as well as the way the media portrays it.
when i was younger, like in kindergarten, this lil white girl made it a point to make it clear to me that she & i couldnt be friends because my hair was not like hers. her hair was down to her back, long & silky straight while mine was barely touching my shoulders & coarse. that was what really began my hair issues.
it made me feel as if i would be judged & excluded from certain things if my hair didnt look like it was "supposed" to.
i think it was a subconscious thing because i never really understood why i had issues w. my hair & why is mattered so much to me, until recently.
now the media.
oh the media. lol.
they arent much help.
i feel like they dont put enough emphasis on the women w. my hair texture or hair thats even around the same length as mine, as far as black women go. i cant name one black woman thats in the media who's natural hair resembles my own. we're made to think that "beautiful hair" is long & sleek & sexy & soft. i think there needs to be more women with kinky ass hair being portrayed/labeled as beautiful.
& we need to be taught how to work w. the hair we have.
most magazines limit their hair ideas & treatment options, ect etc to the folks w. naturally soft shiny hair.
i cant relate to that.
when my hair is au natural & the relaxer begins wearing out idk wth to do w. it.
now its too late for me. im already in that place where unless my hair looks/feels freshly relaxed & is manageable, im uncomfortable.
but maybe if some things changed the next generation wont get stuck in the same mindset i am as far as hair is concerned.
i wanna be able to feel comfortable w. my hair & im working on it.
& yea i know its not all on the media & that lil white girl. it has just as much to do w. me as it does them.
i gotta allow myself space to get to the point where im able to overlook what the public has to say, what that lil girl thought, as well as what i was taught was acceptable. working on it soooo. we'll see.
20.12.09
19.12.09
quote unquote
"We all die.
The goal is not to live forever,
the goal is to create something that will."
--Chuck Palahniuk
the goal is to create something that will."
--Chuck Palahniuk
16.12.09
damn "simultaneous feedback"
i just took my intro to communications final & boy am i upset.
i missed a freaking question that i KNEW yet when i get to that question my mind goes blank.
i cant remember shit.
i sit there & stare at the paper for at least 10 minutes in hopes that if i stare at it enough it'll come back to me.
i end up being the last motherfucker in the class so i say fuck it.
soon as i leave, i pull out my notes & the answer was so effing obvious!
im mad as hell i missed it cuz i knew that shit inside out.
the question:
what are the two main differences between face to face and mediated communication?
answer that stumped me:
simultaneous feedback & lack of social roles
two meesly words. **blank stare**
damn that "simultaneous feedback"
i missed a freaking question that i KNEW yet when i get to that question my mind goes blank.
i cant remember shit.
i sit there & stare at the paper for at least 10 minutes in hopes that if i stare at it enough it'll come back to me.
i end up being the last motherfucker in the class so i say fuck it.
soon as i leave, i pull out my notes & the answer was so effing obvious!
im mad as hell i missed it cuz i knew that shit inside out.
the question:
what are the two main differences between face to face and mediated communication?
answer that stumped me:
simultaneous feedback & lack of social roles
two meesly words. **blank stare**
damn that "simultaneous feedback"
13.12.09
said & done.
its about that time.
my finals begin tomorrow & im feeling good.
the only one im worried about is psychology. i should do pretty well on everything else as long as i hit the books & bring out the notes.
the only thing im stressing is making a 3.0 gpa. if i make & keep that then i can be in the honor society. not only does that look great on a transcript but then i would get more money for school.
thats what im really worried about. private school is expensive & im uber terrified at the thought of not being able to complete my education.
ima keep my fingers crossed & review like something serious.
so nighty night babies. i wanna be well rested for tomorrow.
ps:
i know some of yall have finals to worry about as well (Aliyah, Trey, LaiParis) so good luck yall.
study hard!
my finals begin tomorrow & im feeling good.
the only one im worried about is psychology. i should do pretty well on everything else as long as i hit the books & bring out the notes.
the only thing im stressing is making a 3.0 gpa. if i make & keep that then i can be in the honor society. not only does that look great on a transcript but then i would get more money for school.
thats what im really worried about. private school is expensive & im uber terrified at the thought of not being able to complete my education.
ima keep my fingers crossed & review like something serious.
so nighty night babies. i wanna be well rested for tomorrow.
ps:
i know some of yall have finals to worry about as well (Aliyah, Trey, LaiParis) so good luck yall.
study hard!
12.12.09
apples to apples.
note to self:
there should be no comparisons.
we shouldnt judge people or assume they're gonna do something solely because it has happened to us before.
it may be a similar situation (???) or it could be completely different.
there should be no comparisons.
we shouldnt judge people or assume they're gonna do something solely because it has happened to us before.
it may be a similar situation (???) or it could be completely different.
stop being biased & tryna stay in control of every situation.
let shit fall into place.
granted, it sucks to get hurt.
..to be lied to
...to get cheated on
..to have been used & abused
.....to be unnapreciated.....................................................................but thats life.
its not all flowers and rainbows and butterflies.
its pain. sadness. tears. its life.
& you're never gonna have a completly happy life unless you learn to treat people as they show you they deserve to be treated.
'he' isint 'him'.
despite popular belief, you cant compare apples to apples sweetie.
..to be lied to
...to get cheated on
..to have been used & abused
.....to be unnapreciated.....................................................................but thats life.
its not all flowers and rainbows and butterflies.
its pain. sadness. tears. its life.
& you're never gonna have a completly happy life unless you learn to treat people as they show you they deserve to be treated.
'he' isint 'him'.
despite popular belief, you cant compare apples to apples sweetie.
11.12.09
flight school.
baggage like im tripping...
i am so emotionally imbalanced.
i should come w. a fucking caution sign or something.
4.12.09
& i heard em say
it was dope.Video Mayhem II took place last night and im hearing good stuff.
i feel like we could have went in harder as performers and all but hey, im my worst critic. i am super duper proud of myself though because i stayed in character for every single scene. "Marie" left the building as soon as the lights came on for "black shades" & didnt come back until after "feel it".
from what i've heard, i rocked it.
unfortunately, everything didnt run smoothly (people missed their scenes, had to strip & get dressed in the wings, lost my belt, got make-up on an outfit, stubbed my toe, tripped...) but i had a great time. wish i could do it all over again.
i can honestly say that the long nights/mornings & sometime full days spent rehearsing these scenes repeatedly,
the stress,
the tears,
the anger,
the frustration,
all of those things were worth it.
i cant wait until Chicago! **begins counting down until May**
p.s: my sister supposedly took lots of pics & whatnot so i'll peep em when i get home later (was too tired to do it last night) & i'll see if they're blog-worthy.
laters sweetums.
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