epiphany

why are so many young adults,mainly young women, [ages 17-23 or whatever the age range is] feeling ready to settle down? just about every girl i know, minus my bestie & half the time, myself, is tripping about being single or wanting to take the next step with their significant other. My question is why? Why, at such a young age do we feel the need to be tied down? To 'belong' to someone?
Now is the time that we should be experimenting, its the only time that we are really free to explore ourselves, our likes, dislikes, & build & evaluate different relationships with people without the pressures of adulthood that come with dating.

Let's face it: the shit we like now most likely wont be the same things we are into years down the road.
An old schoolmate of mine got married around some time last year, she was 18. What happens 10 years down the road when she & her husband grow apart or their feelings change? I dont mean to be pessimistic but the chances of that marriage lasting are pretty damn slim.
Is our need to be desired that overpowering that we feel incomplete within the confines of our remoteness?

I once read somewhere that "we like people not so much for how we feel about them but for how they make us feel about ourselves."

Speak on it.

.she still believes..

if i knew how to paint, i would paint a picture of a land called "'love"'.
it would be filled w. broken hearts, tears, & hearts w. knives stuck through dripping blood.
the skies would be gray-ish blue hinting that it could rain at any given second.
there would be mountains the resembled mt. rushmore but instead of having the faces of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, & Lincoln, they would contain the faces of my past lovers.
there would be mini-explosions everywhere

but if you looked hard enough---past all the torn hearts & all the tears & explosions & darkness, you would see a little figure.

a girl in her f21 leggings & boots & off the shoulder sweater. she'll have her camera in tow.
there would be years of lessons learned in her eyes but a half smile on her face because even though everything looks so cut & dry & hopeless------she still believes.

before i self-destruct.

its not an ultimatum..

...he just has a choice to make.

so i approached M Dot about our status the other day & dude came at me with the "we're a bit more than friends but we're not together" line.
i guess i expected that considering he "doesnt like to put labels on things" & all that ish he came with when we first began kicking it.
so dude basically said "we're friends with benefits for now". he had to throw the 'for now' in there right? confused the hell outta me.

he's a smart nigga though. i'll tell you that. cuz he knows if he just said we are friends with benefits (which i dont care what anybody says, means 'fuck buddies') i would have most likely had some slick shit to say & probably would have cut him off or something.
but once he put that "for now" in there, shit made me type hopeful.
smart motherfucker.

i told a friend of mine about what happened & he basically thinks dude is full of shit. he told me "if dude took that long to come up with yall being "friends with benefits", its going to take him longer to decide he wants to be with you"

now thats a valid ass point.
shit sucks for me though cuz im the type of person who tends to give folks the benefit of the doubt just because you don't always know a person's situation, you know? you never know why they behave or see the world as they do so i dont like to scratch em off right off the bat.
**sidebar: maybe thats why im always getting hurt. hm**

i know this is gonna sound madd ignorant & foolish, cuz thats what i think when i look at the situation from a 3rd persons viewpoint,
BUT
im giving him a chance.
he has until late December to get it together.
he said that he wants to see where this can go & what feelings will develop but idk. sounds like crap. (but then again, one never truly knows.)

all in due time though. i'll try & keep yall updated.
right now im going to focus on keeping he & i distant & re-conditioning myself to keep my guard up & think like a nigga. i think i need to take it back to how i used to be.
anyways.
he has like two months & some change to get it together.
(in two months it'll be a new year soooo if shit doesnt work out i'll start fresh. no biggie.)

& as i said: its not an ultimatum. he just has a choice to make.
that he doesnt know about.

product of my past.

my professor was talking about how someone who has been lacking something for so long latches onto it when they do get it suddenly everything made sense.
sometimes i get attached a lil quicker than i would like to certain people. i think its cuz they embody what i feel i've been missing.

lets take my "relationship" or whatever it is M Dot & i have for example. Im really feeling buddy. Not just because he's attractive but i like his mind, i love listening to what he has to say, i like his being accepting of me (ditzy & silly moments & all), & i like shutting him up when he gets a lil too big headed. there's more than just a sexual chemistry there.
**sidebar**i made him play patty cake with me & he actually did it! most dudes i know would have just given you the side eye & left it at that. not dude. he actually entertained my silliness.
it was cute that he tried even though he was probably like "wtf....".
anyways...

...i think im so attracted to him because he pretty much represents what i want in a man & how i want to feel when im around him. he brings out the softer side of me. i feel like its perfectly fine to be a tad bit vulnerable. && thats something i havent had in a long time.


if yall have been following my ish from the beginning you'd know im not usually the type to be feeling a nigga like that. i tend to keep em distant so its difficult for me to understand why all of a sudden im feeling some type of way.

im feeling like i need to put my gaurd up even higher now since i actually care about buddy. so yesterday instead of he & i kicking it as planned, i told him id rather work on my homework assignments (which was true in the sense that i did have to work on my photography assignment but a lie in the sense that id rather have been with him)
i changed my mind because i feel like i make myself too available to him. no dudes gonna respect that, they're gonna use it to their advantage & im really tired of getting hurt.

idk.
im rambling.
i guess the moral of this story is: analyze yourself. why do you behave as you do? you might be surprised at how you answer those questions.

you just may be the product of your past

.truth.

"i urge everyone to treat each day as if it's your last & tell that special someone you love them today. Don't wait. It may be too late"
---Kandi Burruss

ma vie en noir et blanc

1st things 1st:
id like to apologize to yall for not posting recently. i have been so busy. i barely have time to sleep. & for those of yall who's blog i follow, i'll leave comments when i get a chance. i havent forsaken yall.

now that thats outta the way..lemme tell yall what i've been up to:

school:
is amazing. i LOVE college. my classes can be demanding---not due to the difficulty of the courses but pertaining to content---but im loving the experience. i still hate the commute, simply because i have to deal with dumb asses who shouldnt be behind the wheel & cuz its so difficult to find parking. im still trying to convince moms & dad to let me stay on campus for at least the 2nd semester but, thats probably not gonna happen unless i can come up with the 5 odd stacks for room & board. we'll see. im still optimistic.

work:
i finally got work study, so i work at school. the hours i can work are limited but the pay isint bad so im not tripping. plus when i get home i actually have time to do my homework. im about to quit my other job though. i havent worked there in 3 weeks. its time i make it official. i love my work study job though. its nothing difficult but im learning a nice little bit. its wack that it only pays once a month but its one big bulk paycheck soooo, im not tripping too hard about that. & im working in the department im majoring in. (if yall didnt know yet my major is Public Relations) plus my boss is awesomeness. shes super chill & super goofy. loves her. =)

personal:
my personal life is kinda coocky right now. college is like the place where all the hot guys & girls come together. the popular of the popular, the nerds of all nerds. everyone is the extreme version of themselves. its a beautiful thing but it can be overwhelming. as far as the dating scene goes. its mass confusion. just because you mess around with someone a couple times doesnt make yall anything. just because a guy looks at you twice doesnt mean he wants a relationship. the rules arent the same as high school. im just feeling my way around & seeing what happens.

outside of school:
im doing big things. im unofficially a part of O.I. Models (thay're suppposed to be making another cut). its based off my campus & they do major fashion shows & this year they're doing like a mini college tour ..screams.. its amazing. I love modeling. It just feels so right when im stomping down that runway. All eyes on me. I own it. Plus the dancing scenes are amazing. Its definitely not all glamorous. I leave practice & my body is aching, my feet hurt & are blistered, my toes hurt like hell (i practice in 4-5 inch closed toed heels & pumps. not smart i know but. o well). I faced rejection the first time this last Tuesday. I had a casting & i didnt get the job. I think its cuz i wasnt tall enough because the designer did say she was looking for tall amazon type women, but i think im still gonna work the show. I might be a correspondent for them. The show is this upcoming Wednesday on South Beach. Show love. I believe the designers are C.L.O.A.K

so as yall can see, i have a good excuse for not keeping up with my blog world like i used to. ima get on that tho. i miss blogging.
thanks to those who follow me one time.
xoxo babes

"Damn nigga, when i grow up..

...i wanna be just like you!" --C.T.

so yesterday i was chilling with my girls on campus & my friends roommate just found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her. He was kicking it with some girl at his school & they were supposedly boyfriend & girlfriend too. The shit goes deep but im not gon put her business all out like that plus its a long story.

Shit just got me thinking like "college niggas are extra trifling".

So i was thinking like thats why you cant really get in a relationship with em. Especially the freshman, sophmores & juniors. You might could fuck around & find you a senior who's on his shit & ready to be serious. Thats slim though.

So i had this whole bright idea, just find one dude & yall just mess around. The cons with that though surpass the pros. Theres no guarantee that dude will just be fucking with you. & being that you not his girl, you cant be interrogating the nigga. Its not your business who hes with & what hes doing. But try telling that to a woman (lets face it: we're territorial/emotional creatures). But lets say you dont care who & what hes doing-----theres still that chance that you could fuck around & catch feelings. Then you gon be looking stupid cuz you will be the only motherfucker feeling some kinda way.

On the flip side though, that male companionship is o so necessary. Whether we wanna admit it or not, we all need someone of the opposite sex that we can cuddle up with, make-out & cake with. I know after a long day or during the late night hours, i want someone to kinda take my mind off that. I want someone to make me feel good. Yall know what im talking about.

& shit gets frustrating cuz its like, i dont wanna listen to you when you say you wanna be with me cuz im well aware thats code for "i just wanna fuck". & then i dont wanna fuck around with that platonic shit & catch feelings......but i do want/need that type of companionship.

so wtf is a girl to do??
i guess just wait it out & a good dude'll come along & all that but honestly shits sounding like "blah blah blah" to me right about now.
guess ima just focus on school & this money & let the chips fall as they may